When people remember me, or when people see me I want them to remember the smile I had the consumed my face, my priceless facial expressions, and my acts of kindness not the the negative, dilapidated past that so often clouds my perception. Today is January 1. A new month and a new year, and I feel refreshed and new even though there was no change other than the time running out of one day into another. As 2013 is now making himself comfortable in my life, I guess this post can be branded as my “new year. new me” type post, a declaration committed to my personal improvement.
2012 ended as I sat in the living room looking at my sisters and my mother and I was appreciative. Glad that I had made it into a new year, a blessing only God afforded to me through his grace and mercy. I sat there and thought 20 years ago this day, my mother, only 26 years old at the time, sat pregnant with me preparing herself to bring me into the world in 7 months. At that moment I was no bigger than a tennis ball and my mother was what connected me to life. 20 years later, it feels like a life time has passed. Situations have changed and 20 years later on this same day, I am taking care of my mother who came home from the hospital earlier.
In all that I find a great sense of appreciation, even though my mother was sick, and there were many other things I could complain about, I felt blessed to be here and be alive. I often talk about how rough 2012 was for me as a year, even though I was able to travel new distances I had never seen before and was able to try things I had never even contemplated trying. My ups were paired with lows I thought I would never see including my first D in school ever. Stressed and annoyed, I still have to give thanks, because although I may feel like I have failed in that area, I feel I was given a greater sense of clarity that I am bringing into this new year, this renewed slate, this new chapter in my book of life, these new set of downs in my football game of life.
In 2012 I felt like I lost myself. I felt as if I compromised my morals and values and lost focus on my journey. At some point I didn’t recognize who I was. In 2012 I became bigger than myself, thinking I was able to handle every situation alone, but that set of 365 days humbled me more than I could imagine. 2012 shook me and woke me up, directing me into a more reflective mindset where I could clearly find where I belonged in the grand scheme of things.
Everything that happened during 2012, I like to call my broken road. The Rascal Flatts song says, God Bless the Broken Road, and in the song they sing about how eventually they reached their love through the trails and tribulations from their past and the rough patches they broke into their paved road. In 2013 I want to embrace the past and use that to help me further myself as I become one second, one minute, one day, one month, one year closer to being who God has destined me to be. I am that much closer to fully embracing who I am as a person, I am that much closer to truth, I am that much closer to clarity, I am that much closer to being great.
C.S. Lewis once said “The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” This year I plan on doing that, and being more devoted and being more driven to find my own personality.
Happy New Year to anyone reading this post.