When a person is wounded, they go through an extensive healing process that sometimes required bandages and ointments and rest. After a while the thing that was broken or scratched or torn is made new, sometimes leaving a scar as reminder that at one point it existed.
The past few days I have been a witness to my mother’s healing process. She went through open heart surgery and now she is at home suffering through the healing process. Through her grunts and moans she has been trying to move herself back into her regular routine. I asked her, what about this hurts the most and she said knowing that I have broken sternum, knowing that it is healing, and still not being able to much about it but take a few pain pills that dull the pain temporarily.
After she said that I replayed it over and over again in my head.
When I was in high school, behind closed doors, I was not the same person that showed up to school, and to church, and to parties, and to work. I always felt like in high school I had to live dual personalities, hiding my home life from my social life and hiding my personal life from the world. Eventually these worlds began to overlap and intertwine, confusing those around me and more importantly losing my ability to feel and trust in the crosswinds.
Because of this I often think that I haven’t gone through the proper healing process. They say why pray if you’re going to worry anyway and so often I say that I am giving it to God, and that he will guide me into the path of love and emotion again, while simultaneously doubting my own ability to truly reveal emotion to those around me. I can tell that I haven’t gone through the cold sweats, and the lonely nights in bandages, and I haven’t seen the worst yet. My healing process has yet to happen, and therefore my capacity to love in my heart is still at zero even though my mind is sure that it is ready to love and be loved.
This post isn’t linear, and for some who read it, it will not make sense, but I just needed to admit to myself that I still have open wounds that are ready to be healed.